Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I don't want any of this.

Pin It Sometimes...when I think about you...I don't let my mind go there..
I won't let it take me to reality.
When I think of you, that's as far as I go.
I begin to change the subject in my mind so that I don't have to face the truth.
I push it away as though it won't come back,
As if pushing will make it disappear and be less real.

But then it hits me...
It smacks me in the face so hard I didn't see it coming.
I remember the truth,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the sadness...
All of this floods my heart and my memory and it breaks me.

And I remember that YOU, My Brother are gone...

It all comes back to me and knocks me down like a huge wave in the ocean.
I begin to remember when I heard the words,
I remember when I first hugged Mom and cried.
I remember the days that followed,
all the people,
the food,
the love,
the tears,
the sadness.

I remember how I felt when we had to leave you there.
I felt so bad...I didn't want to leave you there alone.
I wanted to take you home with us.
You were supposed to be with us.
All of our family was there...but not you.
Your babies were there but not Daddy.

None of this seems right or real Shane.
And I just hate to think of life without you.
You were just stolen from us all....
and I hate to think of the reality of what the years will bring.

Three siblings, but one missing.
Parents without a son.
A birthday but no one to celebrate for.
Special events with only their Mommy...
Holidays without you,
I don't want any of this. Pin It

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

2 months

Pin It Well....Today is 2 months since the accident...It is so hard to believe that we have gone two months without seeing or talking to Shane. He has not been a physical part of our lives for that long....Wow it is crazy! It is so hard to believe that he will no longer be here. I have begun reading this book by Nicholas Sparks and a man talks about months after his wife died a friend asked him how it felt to loose his wife. He replied that he didn't know because to him it just felt like she was gone for the weekend but would be coming back any day now....This is how I feel, that Shane just went away for a little while but that he will be back soon...

Only 2 months ago he was alive and going throughout any old day. Two months ago from right now he was at Truman, working, doing his thing. He had no idea that it would be his last day, and of course neither did any of us.

A weird thing happened last night, but I find this significant since it occurred on the morning of this day. Well it is very seldom that I have a good nights rest, usually I toss and turn and wake up on several occasions. Last night was one of those, I woke up so many times and don't know why. But the weird thing happened this morning when I woke myself up by talking. You know how when you are dreaming something and you say a line of your dream out loud and wake yourself up. This is kind of how it happened, except that I don't remember dreaming a thing. All I know is that I rolled over and said "Shane," just so casually as if I was in the room with him about to start a conversation with him. Almost as soon as I said it I was awake and realized what I had said. It is just crazy, and this may have no meaning, it is just ironic to me that it happened on the day of two months and odd that I don't remember dreaming about him at all... Pin It

Monday, February 1, 2010

Thoughts from My Mom's Blog:

Pin It When my mom told me about these two occasions of Addi persistantly asking for Daddy and Chloe reading to the two little ones I had planned to write about this....but my mom wrote about it first.

Rambling's of Moma
Sunday, January 31, 2010

Life is not fair
How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".
I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....

I feel the same is definitely not real yet, and I still don't know when it will be. It just hits me sometimes, the reality of it. When I remember that night when I found out....or think about how I was making gingerbread doe for my busy weekend of Christmas parties at about the time that my brother was killed.....these things tear me up....That I had so many "important" things going on and then BOOM nothing mattered except being with my family! I know I couldn't have done anything but I almost feel guilty for being so busy or for baking cookies at the time that he died. Like I should have been there, or been on the phone with him or something....But not consumed with my own life. It is hard to explain these feelings but they just come on me sometimes and even I don't understand them. It is just so hard to accept the fact that he is gone. And that three little ones are left without a father. I get so frustrated when I see so many men who have children but don't take care of them....or men who dessert their families....or are locked up.....etc. All of these "fathers" make me so angry b/c my brother was an AMAZING DADDY!!! and he was taken away from his kids accidentally, but there are so many fathers out their who voluntarily leave their children. This is what doesn't seem fair to me, that someone who adored their children and wanted to be a great dad lost that chance, but others have the chance and dont take it! Pin It