The Root

Pin It There have been several times in my life when I have encountered a situation that has made me stop and think...hm, life is just too short. It is at these moments of revelation that I tell myself to always remember this feeling. I prepare myself for petty things that come and try to pull me down, so that I can be ready to just roll them off my shoulders because there are more real and important things to be concerned with. And so there is a period of time when I consistently remind myself to think past that day and moment and look into the big picture, and to what really matters. Then comes the day when something happens that wraps me up and I forget this. Therefore I am guilty of doing this; of letting life in this world get the best of me instead of looking to the future to the eternity of my life which really matters. It is the enemy that does these things. He takes you in times of great joy, when you have let your guard down, or in times of weakness when you have no strength to keep your guard up at all. These are the times when he strategically chooses to attack you. These are the times when he seeks to destroy us. It is then that we have to choose. We have to come to our senses and see the real issue behind the problem we are facing. The source does not come from another person on this earth and the pain that they may cause. Underneath it all, the root of all issues and problems and pains is Satan. He really does come to steal, kill, & DESTROY! It is up to us to be aware of his strategies and be able to discern that it is him in situations. Then we can begin to conquer him, and hold fast to our faith instead of blaming other people or even God for things. Even when we are able to see the devil is at work trying to hurt us, it will not be easy. Life will still be hard and painful at times....but at least we know that we have the hope of the Lord by our side. That is we hold on to him we have the power to conquer all. And when we feel weak we can hold on to his promise that his power works best in our weakness...therefore he makes us strong! Pin It

Home....

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Man life has been so busy since school started...well since before really! The month of August kept me so busy! With New Student Orientation and then the first couple of weeks of school! I was extremely busy...we had so many events in so little time...but it was so much fun! I absolutely love my job!

It is hard being a wife, having a full time job, and going to grad school though. Me and Meguell barely ever eat dinner at home together. Since he works at the restaurant at night and I take night classes it is hard to cook dinner and have normal at home nights together! But the last couple of weekends have been so good for us! He hasn't had to work on Saturdays so we have spent the entire day together! I have loved it! We have been doing little projects around our house...like decorating for the fall. This is the wreath that I made!

We also made some curtain valances for our house. This was a long overdue project, but I am not a big curtain person so I never wanted to get them. Until I saw what my friend did and I fell in love with it. Anyways, even though summer weather is almost over I'm glad we put curtains up. It will save us money and sweat next summer when the hot sun steams through our windows!

We also bought a big rug to put in our living room several months ago and never have put it out. But finally we did! And it ties in great with our curtains! It definitely brightens up our living room! I love it!

So we spent several Saturdays working on these things! It was so much fun to shop for our decorations...even Meguell enjoyed this!! And I LOVED making the wreath!!! So that was fun time we spent together! And then this past week we had two good date nights...both spent at the West Texas Fair and Rodeo!

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Anyways, married life is so good! It is so fun to have our own home and get to decorate!! And get to do fun things to it! I absolutely love that! & I definitely love my husband a ton!

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Ignored but not Forgotten

Pin It Ignored but not Forgotten....this is how I feel I have been treating God lately....

I know that God is good....I know that he is always there...and I know how much he loves me and desires a relationship with me....but my heart is broken.

And although I know it is not his fault, I still use my hurt as a reason to ignore God.

I want to be close to God and grow in him and yet I am pushing him away.



I don't even know the reason for my feelings...because I do not blame God for my brother's death...I just feel like there is something preventing me from being with God.

I don't even know how to explain it, the one analogy that comes to mind is this...and it may soudn so dumb to some people but this is what I feel sometimes.



Analogy:

You are married and in a relationship with the person you love and they cheat on you.....through all the hurt and pain you still try and make it work....but the hardest part is learning to trust them and getting past all the pain that they caused you....because everytime you spend time with them or look at them you feel the pain all over again.



This is how I feel when I spend time with God....the last part explains it. Every time I begin to get close to God, whether at church, during worship, prayer...or when I'm alone with him, I am reminded of all the pain I have gone through and it interrupts my time with the Lord.



I know that over the past 6 months when I have begun to grow more in Christ the enemy always brings up this hurt and turns my attention off of him, but it is so hard to fight it. My heart is broken because of the loss of my brother and I need help getting past that.





Then last night at church our worship leader said something that I feel was God talking straight to me....(This is something that has been brought up to me several times over the past few weeks) In a prayer he said something about how "God draws near to the brokenhearted (Psalm) and "Thank You God for the promise that you draw near to us when we draw near to you" This is something God has been showing me....that he feels my pain. That he wants to bring me through it if only I will draw near to him...He is there to draw near to me also! Pin It

The Hard Days

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Father's Day was a hard day for me...I couldn't stop thinking about my brother! He was such a great father....not always perfect but man he loved his kids so much! He always made them laugh and they adored him! I walked into my house the other day and said hello to my dog in a silly voice and it made me think of my brother....he would always walk through the house saying goofy things in goofy voices....and the kids and myself would laugh! He was so funny! I remember the last weekend I saw him I was at his house before my shower and I was playing with Ashtyn and he was trying to tell me a secret about what Shane was going to do at my shower! Shane started getting on to him but Ashtyn kept trying to tell me until he got in trouble. I did hear what he said though...I just acted like I didn't lol It was so funny to see my brother walk into the church fellowship hall dressed in panty hoes, a mini shirt and a girls top! ha ha with makeup on! and he even said he shaved his legs for this! And that is something he was always against...he ragged on my cousin for that all the time! But he went all out! I loved it! I am so sad that I did not get a picture with him and Brian as girls that day though! It was so sweet though...because after he dropped a condom on me out of his "boobs" lol he gave me $50 and a card from chloe! It meant so much becuase my brother does not have a lot of money...I mean he has three kids!! lol but it meant so much for him to give us that! What he didn't know and what he never got to receive was that I gave the money to mom to put towards the Christmas gift we were getting him...a new bedspread...all the kids had new nice ones, but not him! So we wanted to get him one so he didn't have to sleep with random blankets. But Christmas for my brother never came. And neither did the day where he gets honored for being such a great father...I guess that is why Father's Day was so hard for me....it had been a while since I cried so much, but I cried at church and then spent all day at home alone cleaning on Sunday and just cried at different times throughout the day.

I sat in my living room looking at wedding pictures and it hurts so bad that my brother is not in my wedding pictures...I just imagined the great pics we would have gotten of our family from the professional photographer and how my brother wasn't there! He wasn't able to be at one of the most special days of my life! But if he could have he would have and he would've been so proud of me and Meguell! That is just how he is! So proud of his sisters...Someone came into my office the other day looking at my wedding pics and asking who everyone was and she asked "was your brother not there??" and I had to tell her....it is still so hard to talk about it out loud...to say he is gone and all the words that come with it! I hate it!

It has really been a tough month for me....lately I have cried more, had more memories, and been reminded of him more....Maybe because this month has held so many specific dates....the 3rd-Six months since the accident and since he has been gone: 20th-Father's Day: 30th-His Golden Birthday!

Gosh I miss my brother so much! I just wish I could talk to him or hear his goofy voice.

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The new me

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It's been a while since I have updated...that is because so many things have been happening....!

Not only will I be graduating this Saturday, but I also have been working at a new job for the past month and a half and I love it! I am the new Student Activities Coordinator at Hardin-Simmons University!! Basically, I plan all of the fun events that take plus on campus, plus tons more! This includes concerts, movie nights, games, holiday activities, etc. It is so great! I get to interact with students a lot, plan things, and stay organized!! ;-) all of which I love!! So being a full time student, full time employee, and a wife has been very time consuming....I am still trying to work it all out! I am excited about the summer though. This will help me really get situated at work...there are so many areas just in my office/conference room/storage closet that I need to go through and get familiar with. Plus the summer will give me time to plan for next year, and more available time to be a wife and take care of my husband, dog, and home!!! :0)

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3 months...

Pin It Today marks three months since my brother has lived on this earth with us. I still think about him every day, but my tears do not come as often. Most of the time when I think about him I push the bad thoughts away...Sometimes all my thoughts of him altogether, only because it is easier not to think about him than to relive the nightmare me and my family went through three months ago... It seems easier, and really I don't like that because it just means he has been gone longer, but I know that it will be harder when I go home again. This piece taken from my Mom's blog explains why:

"Then there is my girls, Shane's sisters. Cassey & Brittany, they are having to deal with this in their on way, which is harder in a sense because they aren't here all the time, so they aren't used to seeing him all the time. So that means the next time they come home it will be hard all over again because they are used to coming home and going to see Shane & then kids."

My heart still longs for my big brother, just another smile or laugh or hug to share with him....man I just miss him so much!

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I don't want any of this.

Pin It Sometimes...when I think about you...I don't let my mind go there..
I won't let it take me to reality.
When I think of you, that's as far as I go.
I begin to change the subject in my mind so that I don't have to face the truth.
I push it away as though it won't come back,
As if pushing will make it disappear and be less real.

But then it hits me...
It smacks me in the face so hard I didn't see it coming.
I remember the truth,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the sadness...
All of this floods my heart and my memory and it breaks me.

And I remember that YOU, My Brother are gone...

It all comes back to me and knocks me down like a huge wave in the ocean.
I begin to remember when I heard the words,
I remember when I first hugged Mom and cried.
I remember the days that followed,
all the people,
the food,
the love,
the tears,
the sadness.

I remember how I felt when we had to leave you there.
I felt so bad...I didn't want to leave you there alone.
I wanted to take you home with us.
You were supposed to be with us.
All of our family was there...but not you.
Your babies were there but not Daddy.

None of this seems right or real Shane.
And I just hate to think of life without you.
You were just stolen from us all....
and I hate to think of the reality of what the years will bring.

Three siblings, but one missing.
Parents without a son.
A birthday but no one to celebrate for.
Special events with only their Mommy...
Holidays without you,
I don't want any of this. Pin It