The Hard Days

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Father's Day was a hard day for me...I couldn't stop thinking about my brother! He was such a great father....not always perfect but man he loved his kids so much! He always made them laugh and they adored him! I walked into my house the other day and said hello to my dog in a silly voice and it made me think of my brother....he would always walk through the house saying goofy things in goofy voices....and the kids and myself would laugh! He was so funny! I remember the last weekend I saw him I was at his house before my shower and I was playing with Ashtyn and he was trying to tell me a secret about what Shane was going to do at my shower! Shane started getting on to him but Ashtyn kept trying to tell me until he got in trouble. I did hear what he said though...I just acted like I didn't lol It was so funny to see my brother walk into the church fellowship hall dressed in panty hoes, a mini shirt and a girls top! ha ha with makeup on! and he even said he shaved his legs for this! And that is something he was always against...he ragged on my cousin for that all the time! But he went all out! I loved it! I am so sad that I did not get a picture with him and Brian as girls that day though! It was so sweet though...because after he dropped a condom on me out of his "boobs" lol he gave me $50 and a card from chloe! It meant so much becuase my brother does not have a lot of money...I mean he has three kids!! lol but it meant so much for him to give us that! What he didn't know and what he never got to receive was that I gave the money to mom to put towards the Christmas gift we were getting him...a new bedspread...all the kids had new nice ones, but not him! So we wanted to get him one so he didn't have to sleep with random blankets. But Christmas for my brother never came. And neither did the day where he gets honored for being such a great father...I guess that is why Father's Day was so hard for me....it had been a while since I cried so much, but I cried at church and then spent all day at home alone cleaning on Sunday and just cried at different times throughout the day.

I sat in my living room looking at wedding pictures and it hurts so bad that my brother is not in my wedding pictures...I just imagined the great pics we would have gotten of our family from the professional photographer and how my brother wasn't there! He wasn't able to be at one of the most special days of my life! But if he could have he would have and he would've been so proud of me and Meguell! That is just how he is! So proud of his sisters...Someone came into my office the other day looking at my wedding pics and asking who everyone was and she asked "was your brother not there??" and I had to tell her....it is still so hard to talk about it out loud...to say he is gone and all the words that come with it! I hate it!

It has really been a tough month for me....lately I have cried more, had more memories, and been reminded of him more....Maybe because this month has held so many specific dates....the 3rd-Six months since the accident and since he has been gone: 20th-Father's Day: 30th-His Golden Birthday!

Gosh I miss my brother so much! I just wish I could talk to him or hear his goofy voice.

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The new me

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It's been a while since I have updated...that is because so many things have been happening....!

Not only will I be graduating this Saturday, but I also have been working at a new job for the past month and a half and I love it! I am the new Student Activities Coordinator at Hardin-Simmons University!! Basically, I plan all of the fun events that take plus on campus, plus tons more! This includes concerts, movie nights, games, holiday activities, etc. It is so great! I get to interact with students a lot, plan things, and stay organized!! ;-) all of which I love!! So being a full time student, full time employee, and a wife has been very time consuming....I am still trying to work it all out! I am excited about the summer though. This will help me really get situated at work...there are so many areas just in my office/conference room/storage closet that I need to go through and get familiar with. Plus the summer will give me time to plan for next year, and more available time to be a wife and take care of my husband, dog, and home!!! :0)

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3 months...

Pin It Today marks three months since my brother has lived on this earth with us. I still think about him every day, but my tears do not come as often. Most of the time when I think about him I push the bad thoughts away...Sometimes all my thoughts of him altogether, only because it is easier not to think about him than to relive the nightmare me and my family went through three months ago... It seems easier, and really I don't like that because it just means he has been gone longer, but I know that it will be harder when I go home again. This piece taken from my Mom's blog explains why:

"Then there is my girls, Shane's sisters. Cassey & Brittany, they are having to deal with this in their on way, which is harder in a sense because they aren't here all the time, so they aren't used to seeing him all the time. So that means the next time they come home it will be hard all over again because they are used to coming home and going to see Shane & then kids."

My heart still longs for my big brother, just another smile or laugh or hug to share with him....man I just miss him so much!

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I don't want any of this.

Pin It Sometimes...when I think about you...I don't let my mind go there..
I won't let it take me to reality.
When I think of you, that's as far as I go.
I begin to change the subject in my mind so that I don't have to face the truth.
I push it away as though it won't come back,
As if pushing will make it disappear and be less real.

But then it hits me...
It smacks me in the face so hard I didn't see it coming.
I remember the truth,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the sadness...
All of this floods my heart and my memory and it breaks me.

And I remember that YOU, My Brother are gone...

It all comes back to me and knocks me down like a huge wave in the ocean.
I begin to remember when I heard the words,
I remember when I first hugged Mom and cried.
I remember the days that followed,
all the people,
the food,
the love,
the tears,
the sadness.

I remember how I felt when we had to leave you there.
I felt so bad...I didn't want to leave you there alone.
I wanted to take you home with us.
You were supposed to be with us.
All of our family was there...but not you.
Your babies were there but not Daddy.

None of this seems right or real Shane.
And I just hate to think of life without you.
You were just stolen from us all....
and I hate to think of the reality of what the years will bring.

Three siblings, but one missing.
Parents without a son.
A birthday but no one to celebrate for.
Special events with only their Mommy...
Holidays without you,
I don't want any of this. Pin It

2 months

Pin It Well....Today is 2 months since the accident...It is so hard to believe that we have gone two months without seeing or talking to Shane. He has not been a physical part of our lives for that long....Wow it is crazy! It is so hard to believe that he will no longer be here. I have begun reading this book by Nicholas Sparks and a man talks about months after his wife died a friend asked him how it felt to loose his wife. He replied that he didn't know because to him it just felt like she was gone for the weekend but would be coming back any day now....This is how I feel, that Shane just went away for a little while but that he will be back soon...

Only 2 months ago he was alive and going throughout any old day. Two months ago from right now he was at Truman, working, doing his thing. He had no idea that it would be his last day, and of course neither did any of us.

A weird thing happened last night, but I find this significant since it occurred on the morning of this day. Well it is very seldom that I have a good nights rest, usually I toss and turn and wake up on several occasions. Last night was one of those, I woke up so many times and don't know why. But the weird thing happened this morning when I woke myself up by talking. You know how when you are dreaming something and you say a line of your dream out loud and wake yourself up. This is kind of how it happened, except that I don't remember dreaming a thing. All I know is that I rolled over and said "Shane," just so casually as if I was in the room with him about to start a conversation with him. Almost as soon as I said it I was awake and realized what I had said. It is just crazy, and this may have no meaning, it is just ironic to me that it happened on the day of two months and odd that I don't remember dreaming about him at all... Pin It

Thoughts from My Mom's Blog:

Pin It When my mom told me about these two occasions of Addi persistantly asking for Daddy and Chloe reading to the two little ones I had planned to write about this....but my mom wrote about it first.

Rambling's of Moma
Sunday, January 31, 2010

Life is not fair
How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".
I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....

I feel the same way....it is definitely not real yet, and I still don't know when it will be. It just hits me sometimes, the reality of it. When I remember that night when I found out....or think about how I was making gingerbread doe for my busy weekend of Christmas parties at about the time that my brother was killed.....these things tear me up....That I had so many "important" things going on and then BOOM nothing mattered except being with my family! I know I couldn't have done anything but I almost feel guilty for being so busy or for baking cookies at the time that he died. Like I should have been there, or been on the phone with him or something....But not consumed with my own life. It is hard to explain these feelings but they just come on me sometimes and even I don't understand them. It is just so hard to accept the fact that he is gone. And that three little ones are left without a father. I get so frustrated when I see so many men who have children but don't take care of them....or men who dessert their families....or are locked up.....etc. All of these "fathers" make me so angry b/c my brother was an AMAZING DADDY!!! and he was taken away from his kids accidentally, but there are so many fathers out their who voluntarily leave their children. This is what doesn't seem fair to me, that someone who adored their children and wanted to be a great dad lost that chance, but others have the chance and dont take it! Pin It

Pin It Mistaken Identity: "...she thought how cruel it was that life kept dashing by....Don't they know?...Don't they know that the world has stopped?...Oh, God, why? she prayed. Why does life keep going on when I want it to stop? Why does it keep going forward when I can't move."


This is what my family has felt from the beginning....Like my mom posted in her blog it still hurts. When people ask if she is ok.....the answer although it may not be her response is NO. Inside it hurts all the time. Shane is constantly on my mind. The fact that this piece of my life, will never be there again, there will always be a hole there. For people that don't understand I just wish they would sit and imagine a person that means so much to them and just get in the mindset that they will never see them again. That all the normal things, phone calls, laughing together, goofing off...this will never happen again. You will continue to grow older, and that person will not be there with you. They will no longer be at holidays to celebrate with you, they will no longer be there when you need them. You will never hear their voice again....If someone could really begin to imagine this then they might for a split second understand how our hearts feel everyday all day. But then they would clear their mind and be ok because it isn't real and they can call that person. But for me and my family it is real, and it is always present in our hearts and minds!! We don't just forget about it, and it is so hard to move on, but the world has forced us to.
It reminds me of the song by Carrie Underwood, "Wheel of the World"

Love goes out,
out like a light
Out like a flame,
and you can't find it anymore
Just when you think it's lost in the rain
It comes back knocking at your door

It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
And around

God put us here on this carnival ride
We close our eyes
Never knowing where it will take us next
Babies are born and at the same time,
someone's taking their last breath

It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around

In the blink of an eye
It can change your life
And it never even slows down

It's the wheel of the world

I don't know what it is
I'm flying high
Then I'm wondering why
I'm sinking on this ship, going down
Life keeps on moving anyway

It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world
turning around
nd around
And around
It's the wheel of the world turning around

It can open your heart
It can break you apart
And it never even slows down

It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
And around


I listened to this song the first night that Meguell went back to work...it was the first time I had really been alone since everything had happened. I was at our house cleaning and setting things up and this song just hit me! This explained our lives in so many ways. I played it over and over that night... Pin It