I don't want any of this.

Pin It Sometimes...when I think about you...I don't let my mind go there..
I won't let it take me to reality.
When I think of you, that's as far as I go.
I begin to change the subject in my mind so that I don't have to face the truth.
I push it away as though it won't come back,
As if pushing will make it disappear and be less real.

But then it hits me...
It smacks me in the face so hard I didn't see it coming.
I remember the truth,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the sadness...
All of this floods my heart and my memory and it breaks me.

And I remember that YOU, My Brother are gone...

It all comes back to me and knocks me down like a huge wave in the ocean.
I begin to remember when I heard the words,
I remember when I first hugged Mom and cried.
I remember the days that followed,
all the people,
the food,
the love,
the tears,
the sadness.

I remember how I felt when we had to leave you there.
I felt so bad...I didn't want to leave you there alone.
I wanted to take you home with us.
You were supposed to be with us.
All of our family was there...but not you.
Your babies were there but not Daddy.

None of this seems right or real Shane.
And I just hate to think of life without you.
You were just stolen from us all....
and I hate to think of the reality of what the years will bring.

Three siblings, but one missing.
Parents without a son.
A birthday but no one to celebrate for.
Special events with only their Mommy...
Holidays without you,
I don't want any of this. Pin It

2 months

Pin It Well....Today is 2 months since the accident...It is so hard to believe that we have gone two months without seeing or talking to Shane. He has not been a physical part of our lives for that long....Wow it is crazy! It is so hard to believe that he will no longer be here. I have begun reading this book by Nicholas Sparks and a man talks about months after his wife died a friend asked him how it felt to loose his wife. He replied that he didn't know because to him it just felt like she was gone for the weekend but would be coming back any day now....This is how I feel, that Shane just went away for a little while but that he will be back soon...

Only 2 months ago he was alive and going throughout any old day. Two months ago from right now he was at Truman, working, doing his thing. He had no idea that it would be his last day, and of course neither did any of us.

A weird thing happened last night, but I find this significant since it occurred on the morning of this day. Well it is very seldom that I have a good nights rest, usually I toss and turn and wake up on several occasions. Last night was one of those, I woke up so many times and don't know why. But the weird thing happened this morning when I woke myself up by talking. You know how when you are dreaming something and you say a line of your dream out loud and wake yourself up. This is kind of how it happened, except that I don't remember dreaming a thing. All I know is that I rolled over and said "Shane," just so casually as if I was in the room with him about to start a conversation with him. Almost as soon as I said it I was awake and realized what I had said. It is just crazy, and this may have no meaning, it is just ironic to me that it happened on the day of two months and odd that I don't remember dreaming about him at all... Pin It

Thoughts from My Mom's Blog:

Pin It When my mom told me about these two occasions of Addi persistantly asking for Daddy and Chloe reading to the two little ones I had planned to write about this....but my mom wrote about it first.

Rambling's of Moma
Sunday, January 31, 2010

Life is not fair
How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".
I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....

I feel the same way....it is definitely not real yet, and I still don't know when it will be. It just hits me sometimes, the reality of it. When I remember that night when I found out....or think about how I was making gingerbread doe for my busy weekend of Christmas parties at about the time that my brother was killed.....these things tear me up....That I had so many "important" things going on and then BOOM nothing mattered except being with my family! I know I couldn't have done anything but I almost feel guilty for being so busy or for baking cookies at the time that he died. Like I should have been there, or been on the phone with him or something....But not consumed with my own life. It is hard to explain these feelings but they just come on me sometimes and even I don't understand them. It is just so hard to accept the fact that he is gone. And that three little ones are left without a father. I get so frustrated when I see so many men who have children but don't take care of them....or men who dessert their families....or are locked up.....etc. All of these "fathers" make me so angry b/c my brother was an AMAZING DADDY!!! and he was taken away from his kids accidentally, but there are so many fathers out their who voluntarily leave their children. This is what doesn't seem fair to me, that someone who adored their children and wanted to be a great dad lost that chance, but others have the chance and dont take it! Pin It

Pin It Mistaken Identity: "...she thought how cruel it was that life kept dashing by....Don't they know?...Don't they know that the world has stopped?...Oh, God, why? she prayed. Why does life keep going on when I want it to stop? Why does it keep going forward when I can't move."


This is what my family has felt from the beginning....Like my mom posted in her blog it still hurts. When people ask if she is ok.....the answer although it may not be her response is NO. Inside it hurts all the time. Shane is constantly on my mind. The fact that this piece of my life, will never be there again, there will always be a hole there. For people that don't understand I just wish they would sit and imagine a person that means so much to them and just get in the mindset that they will never see them again. That all the normal things, phone calls, laughing together, goofing off...this will never happen again. You will continue to grow older, and that person will not be there with you. They will no longer be at holidays to celebrate with you, they will no longer be there when you need them. You will never hear their voice again....If someone could really begin to imagine this then they might for a split second understand how our hearts feel everyday all day. But then they would clear their mind and be ok because it isn't real and they can call that person. But for me and my family it is real, and it is always present in our hearts and minds!! We don't just forget about it, and it is so hard to move on, but the world has forced us to.
It reminds me of the song by Carrie Underwood, "Wheel of the World"

Love goes out,
out like a light
Out like a flame,
and you can't find it anymore
Just when you think it's lost in the rain
It comes back knocking at your door

It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
And around

God put us here on this carnival ride
We close our eyes
Never knowing where it will take us next
Babies are born and at the same time,
someone's taking their last breath

It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around

In the blink of an eye
It can change your life
And it never even slows down

It's the wheel of the world

I don't know what it is
I'm flying high
Then I'm wondering why
I'm sinking on this ship, going down
Life keeps on moving anyway

It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world
turning around
nd around
And around
It's the wheel of the world turning around

It can open your heart
It can break you apart
And it never even slows down

It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
And around


I listened to this song the first night that Meguell went back to work...it was the first time I had really been alone since everything had happened. I was at our house cleaning and setting things up and this song just hit me! This explained our lives in so many ways. I played it over and over that night... Pin It

I could be totally off...

Pin It I could be totally off...but when reading this passage in the book "Mistaken Identity" I got this weird sense of understanding...Like I just came to comprehend what this meant. First, here is the passage:

"She said that death is a result of sin. So this separation that we have from our fellow believers is not how God originally intended it to be. And in that I find two things. First, it tells me that it's OK to be sad or even angry about you not beind here any more. And second, I find a tremendous hope because God will make things right. He will restore heaven and earth to it's original state or wholeness and He Himself, will be at the center and we who believe in Him will all be brought back together." p.219

I think I just realized what heaven will be like, (or a piece of it). When God said He would restore heaven and earth to it's original state of wholeness he meant like before there was sin, when it was first created. Is it true then that the earth God first created for us, that was without sin, was actaully what he will restore it back to? And if that is so, then that means that in the beginning God created earth to be heavenly--he wanted us to live in a perfect place where all we did was worship him--where there was no tragedy, no bad things. But since Adam sinned, then sin created death. But when Jesus returns and we are restored and reunited with our loved ones, we will finally get the chance to live in our perfect paradise that he originally created for us...

Just my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em. Pin It

Leaving the nest....

Pin It

Although I left the nest several years ago, I think I am now starting to feel what it really means to leave the nest! It's kind of a hard thing! It doesn't help everything that happened and me just wanting to be at home close to my family and mom during these hard times. Also though, spending an entire month at home with basically my entire family, including extended, but minus my brother.....that did not make it easy to leave and come back to Abilene. Although I am loving married life and Meguell is so good to me; I still have an amazing mom plus so many more that I love. And the hardest part is, right now I have no idea when I will be home next! Weekends are too short to make the drive, plus I work 8-5 Fridays, and I have a husband to coordinate my schedule with now. It is really hard making that trip unless we have a holiday! And the only holiday I can think of is Spring Break, which is when I will be on a mission trip with our college ministry from church! It is hard though because although I know God wants me here doing missions with my lifegroup, etc. I think, "Wow I could go home for an entire week..." but I know satan is using that good thing (my family) to get me off track from where I am supposed to be. Plus everyone would still be working anyways....so its best I stay here. But it really is hard to leave home! I miss my mom, grandma....of course my sister....O those kiddos so much! also I miss Dad & Greg.....its hard....but I know this is where I am supposed to be.

Pin It

Another Day

Pin It It still just doesn't seem real....surely the entire month of December did not happen... Surely my brother is still back in Gilmer, driving to Gladewater everyday...taking care of those beautiful kids that he adores so much. I can just see him being his goofy self...running through the house singing or talking in some crazy voice just trying to make the kids laugh...and of course they do because he is a funny guy, plus they just love him. Or him pretend shooting them with his bumblebee costume, with that huge head mask on....He told me..."did you see what I bought for ashtyn? It's bumblebee from Transformers!" hm ya right Shane, that thing falls off Ashtyn's head, it was definitely for you to play with! ha ha
I know I am not used to seeing my brother everyday because I live with Abilene, but there is still such a missing piece in my daily life just knowing he is not there! Although I want to be home so badly, it would make it even more real being there! I know it is so hard on my mom for that reason, but she would not have changed being that close to him and the kids for anything! Sometimes though I just get this panicked feeling inside when reality hits....it's like a little piece of that night all over again. All of a sudden my heart remembers deep down what happened and inside I freak out for a second in disbelief the way I did the night they called and told us!
And you know...you can just go through life and get busy with all of the stuff you have to do, but it doesn't go away. As much as people think "O she is okay now...she doesn't cry or anything so she must be okay..." Well that is not true....It never just goes away. It is still inside hurting....and it comes out, but now it is easier to control it and only let it out when you are alone!
What I really want is just to hear my brother sing in his goofy voice again.....or even come pick on me and mess with me while I am busy trying to get stuff done....Or eat something out of the fridge that I have been looking forward to eating all day...(he did that so many times to me)....but now I would gladly let him do any of that! I just wish he was here so that I could hug him so tight!
It's still hard....in a book I am reading called Mistaken Identity there is one part that just hits home, it reads: "Yet at the same time, each of them struggled to accept that this was happening to them." This is something that is so hard to comprehend...this is happening to me? to my family? WHAT?!! It just doesn't make sense. I will always remember the first words I shared with my mom when I finally got home at about 5:30am the morning after the accident....She met me outside the house and we just hugged and cried for several minutes and she said, " These kind of things just don't happen to our family do they...?" And that is so real, it is just not something you are waiting on or expecting to happen to your family!! Pin It