Pin It Mistaken Identity: "...she thought how cruel it was that life kept dashing by....Don't they know?...Don't they know that the world has stopped?...Oh, God, why? she prayed. Why does life keep going on when I want it to stop? Why does it keep going forward when I can't move."


This is what my family has felt from the beginning....Like my mom posted in her blog it still hurts. When people ask if she is ok.....the answer although it may not be her response is NO. Inside it hurts all the time. Shane is constantly on my mind. The fact that this piece of my life, will never be there again, there will always be a hole there. For people that don't understand I just wish they would sit and imagine a person that means so much to them and just get in the mindset that they will never see them again. That all the normal things, phone calls, laughing together, goofing off...this will never happen again. You will continue to grow older, and that person will not be there with you. They will no longer be at holidays to celebrate with you, they will no longer be there when you need them. You will never hear their voice again....If someone could really begin to imagine this then they might for a split second understand how our hearts feel everyday all day. But then they would clear their mind and be ok because it isn't real and they can call that person. But for me and my family it is real, and it is always present in our hearts and minds!! We don't just forget about it, and it is so hard to move on, but the world has forced us to.
It reminds me of the song by Carrie Underwood, "Wheel of the World"

Love goes out,
out like a light
Out like a flame,
and you can't find it anymore
Just when you think it's lost in the rain
It comes back knocking at your door

It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
And around

God put us here on this carnival ride
We close our eyes
Never knowing where it will take us next
Babies are born and at the same time,
someone's taking their last breath

It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around

In the blink of an eye
It can change your life
And it never even slows down

It's the wheel of the world

I don't know what it is
I'm flying high
Then I'm wondering why
I'm sinking on this ship, going down
Life keeps on moving anyway

It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world
turning around
nd around
And around
It's the wheel of the world turning around

It can open your heart
It can break you apart
And it never even slows down

It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
It's the wheel of the world turning around
And around


I listened to this song the first night that Meguell went back to work...it was the first time I had really been alone since everything had happened. I was at our house cleaning and setting things up and this song just hit me! This explained our lives in so many ways. I played it over and over that night... Pin It

I could be totally off...

Pin It I could be totally off...but when reading this passage in the book "Mistaken Identity" I got this weird sense of understanding...Like I just came to comprehend what this meant. First, here is the passage:

"She said that death is a result of sin. So this separation that we have from our fellow believers is not how God originally intended it to be. And in that I find two things. First, it tells me that it's OK to be sad or even angry about you not beind here any more. And second, I find a tremendous hope because God will make things right. He will restore heaven and earth to it's original state or wholeness and He Himself, will be at the center and we who believe in Him will all be brought back together." p.219

I think I just realized what heaven will be like, (or a piece of it). When God said He would restore heaven and earth to it's original state of wholeness he meant like before there was sin, when it was first created. Is it true then that the earth God first created for us, that was without sin, was actaully what he will restore it back to? And if that is so, then that means that in the beginning God created earth to be heavenly--he wanted us to live in a perfect place where all we did was worship him--where there was no tragedy, no bad things. But since Adam sinned, then sin created death. But when Jesus returns and we are restored and reunited with our loved ones, we will finally get the chance to live in our perfect paradise that he originally created for us...

Just my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em. Pin It

Leaving the nest....

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Although I left the nest several years ago, I think I am now starting to feel what it really means to leave the nest! It's kind of a hard thing! It doesn't help everything that happened and me just wanting to be at home close to my family and mom during these hard times. Also though, spending an entire month at home with basically my entire family, including extended, but minus my brother.....that did not make it easy to leave and come back to Abilene. Although I am loving married life and Meguell is so good to me; I still have an amazing mom plus so many more that I love. And the hardest part is, right now I have no idea when I will be home next! Weekends are too short to make the drive, plus I work 8-5 Fridays, and I have a husband to coordinate my schedule with now. It is really hard making that trip unless we have a holiday! And the only holiday I can think of is Spring Break, which is when I will be on a mission trip with our college ministry from church! It is hard though because although I know God wants me here doing missions with my lifegroup, etc. I think, "Wow I could go home for an entire week..." but I know satan is using that good thing (my family) to get me off track from where I am supposed to be. Plus everyone would still be working anyways....so its best I stay here. But it really is hard to leave home! I miss my mom, grandma....of course my sister....O those kiddos so much! also I miss Dad & Greg.....its hard....but I know this is where I am supposed to be.

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Another Day

Pin It It still just doesn't seem real....surely the entire month of December did not happen... Surely my brother is still back in Gilmer, driving to Gladewater everyday...taking care of those beautiful kids that he adores so much. I can just see him being his goofy self...running through the house singing or talking in some crazy voice just trying to make the kids laugh...and of course they do because he is a funny guy, plus they just love him. Or him pretend shooting them with his bumblebee costume, with that huge head mask on....He told me..."did you see what I bought for ashtyn? It's bumblebee from Transformers!" hm ya right Shane, that thing falls off Ashtyn's head, it was definitely for you to play with! ha ha
I know I am not used to seeing my brother everyday because I live with Abilene, but there is still such a missing piece in my daily life just knowing he is not there! Although I want to be home so badly, it would make it even more real being there! I know it is so hard on my mom for that reason, but she would not have changed being that close to him and the kids for anything! Sometimes though I just get this panicked feeling inside when reality hits....it's like a little piece of that night all over again. All of a sudden my heart remembers deep down what happened and inside I freak out for a second in disbelief the way I did the night they called and told us!
And you know...you can just go through life and get busy with all of the stuff you have to do, but it doesn't go away. As much as people think "O she is okay now...she doesn't cry or anything so she must be okay..." Well that is not true....It never just goes away. It is still inside hurting....and it comes out, but now it is easier to control it and only let it out when you are alone!
What I really want is just to hear my brother sing in his goofy voice again.....or even come pick on me and mess with me while I am busy trying to get stuff done....Or eat something out of the fridge that I have been looking forward to eating all day...(he did that so many times to me)....but now I would gladly let him do any of that! I just wish he was here so that I could hug him so tight!
It's still hard....in a book I am reading called Mistaken Identity there is one part that just hits home, it reads: "Yet at the same time, each of them struggled to accept that this was happening to them." This is something that is so hard to comprehend...this is happening to me? to my family? WHAT?!! It just doesn't make sense. I will always remember the first words I shared with my mom when I finally got home at about 5:30am the morning after the accident....She met me outside the house and we just hugged and cried for several minutes and she said, " These kind of things just don't happen to our family do they...?" And that is so real, it is just not something you are waiting on or expecting to happen to your family!! Pin It

Bells are ringing...

Pin It Well...I get married in about 53 hours....It's so crazy that it is finally here. And although I am very excited to become Mrs. William Meguell Suell, and finally have My Day; some parts will be hard. Like when we are taking family pictures and my brother isn't there. It will not be right when the photographer asks for the brides immediate family to come up and it is only me and my sister....It's not right, there are supposed to be three of us.

I can just hear Shane telling me sex jokes or warning me about sex and trying to scare me. Or how he would tell Meguell something in a threatening yet loving way. (He can't help it I'm his little sister) But he would probably end up shaking his hand and telling him good luck; because hey we are getting married, he can't warn him not to have sex with me!! ha ha

I also looked forward to seeing my brother see me in my dress, because although Shane is a goof, he can be serious and I could almost imagine what he would say to me. There have been several times in my life when my brother has verbally told me how proud he was of me; and those are days that I cherish. I knew that my wedding day would be one of these, when he would tell me how proud he was of me and how beautiful I am, and I looked forward to that....But he won't be there to tell me.

And although it doesn't seem right deep down to be happy without him, I know that that is the only way he would have it. So, I am going to be happy and love on my future husband. But on my wedding day during this special time, I will think of my brother.

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My Big Brother

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On the night of November 3rd, as I sat at the Hardin-Simmons Computer lab lost in a world only concerned with my coming wedding; I had no idea what was occurring at that very moment in Gilmer, Texas merely around the corner from my home. At about 12:30am Meguell looked at his phone and told me my mom and Greg had called....almost instantly I started to get cold chills all over as he redialed to return the call. In that moment, I knew that something was wrong, because MY PARENTS are never awake that late when they have work the next day. I sat waiting, getting more and more nervous as he began to speak.... Meguell walked out of the lab and as I followed him I realized I did not want to hear what he was about to tell me!! Meguell had the calming look of concern and terror on his face as he listened to the phone, and I just stood shaking my head telling him no. As he hung up he told me stay calm, stay calm....I just told him to TELL ME!!! And I barely let him finish the words, "Your brother has been in an accident," when I began to freak out! I didn't know what to do!! I just began yelling and screaming and running and jumping! I had so many questions, so many concerns....I couldn't take it!

No not my brother, not my brother is all I could think. I just kept saying "Lord this cannot be happening....take it back, take it back...this isn't real!" None of it seemed right! Even as Meguell rushed me home, arriving at 6am to find two of my closest friends waiting with my family and crying with my mom; even as we went through the weekend with tons of family, people at our house all throughout the day, food and flowers being sent; even as I received cards of condolences, and as we all cried as we told his children; and even as we had his funeral and told him good bye, and even as we picked out the tombstone today; NONE OF THIS SEEMS RIGHT!

I have so many questions, but the biggest is "WHY??" He has three small children, why? He is such a good dad, why? He is such a good man, why? He is such a good brother, why? Why didn't he only get hurt? Why didn't he get a second chance? Why my big brother? Why did any of this happen?

As I look at those precious children, it just doesn't seem right. He was a good daddy, not one of those that has children then neglects them! He takes care of them, loves them, and adores them....And now these children who are totally in love with their daddy will grow up and not even know him. That is not fair!! It is not right to have to tell a two year old, a four year old, and a seven year old that their daddy is in heaven. Or to hear a little boy tell you, "My daddy was in a car wreck...My daddy's an angel." These are not supposed to be things a child has to say. He loved his children and took care of them, and now he has been taken from them!

Growing up I have always been the youngest of 3....but now there are only 2 of us. My brother was always my protector, I always knew he would take care of me, no matter what....but now he is not here for that. Someone stood in front of my sister and me and said "Wow yall are all grown up: Brittany is getting married and Cassey is having a baby..." and we both cried....the ending of that sentence is ...and Shane is dead. That is the first time I have written or said those words, it just doesn't seem right! And at such exciting times in his sisters lives! I know my big brother would have been so proud of me on my wedding day, and that he loved Meguell like I knew he would. And I know that my big brother would have made the best uncle in the world for my sister's baby: Noah Jeffery Shaw.

My big brother, Jeffery Shane Billingsley was an amazing man, a great brother, and the best father in the world.

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Going to the Chapel with NO REGRETS!

Pin It One thing that bothers me is when someone tells me I am going to regret my wedding... I understand that I could have a very simple wedding at a little church and spend barely any money but I also realize that in my ONE LIFETIME that this will be my ONE WEDDING EVER!! Therefore, I am going to make it as special as possible!

Meguell is the man of my dreams and our wedding is a celebration of our love for one another...and I want it to be as special as possible!!

Also, my wedding has been something I have thought about and dreamed about and had ideas prepared for at least half of my lifetime! Something I have looked forward to for a very long time!! Therefore, it is something I intend to make unforgettable!!

I am so excited about our wedding and I know Meguell is too...and I can honestly say that I believe we will have NO REGRETS after we are married! But will be able to look back on our wedding and smile and kiss one another with happiness knowing that that day was as special as we are to each other!!

I cannot wait for DECEMBER 19, 2009 when I become the wife of William Meguell Suell!!

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